Stay Gold

The other week Chelsea and I went to Warren Miller's new ski movie in Park City. Before the show there were some of the skiers from the movie signing posters and Chels and I wandered up there acting like we knew what the heck we were talking about as they chatted with us about skiing. Then one of them signed my poster, Lex, Stay gold.

I have no idea what this is even supposed to mean. Maybe it's significant in some skier dialect, but he wrote it to Lex, and I always feel awesome when people call me Lex. Perhaps I will explain that later.

Anyway.

Today was one of those days where I felt like a fool all day. In woods class, in classroom management, when I talked to my professor about being a TA—a fool. Some days are just discouraging I guess. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately—a dangerous practice when all you've got in your future is haze. I registered for my last semester of classes a few days ago, and then that's it for me. One semester of student teaching and this phase of my life I thought I could prolong forever will come to an end. I will graduate.

The future is a scary thing. It never works out the way I think it will (which is really, really good generally) Sometimes I think about how I need to just stay gold. To just do it. Whatever it even is. Last summer I had a second job as a graphic designer, and in the middle of my interview, as he was asking me about my photoshop knowledge the thought, I do not want to be a graphic designer flowed into my mind loud and clear. Since then it's been quietly simmering in the back of my mind, always there.

I will teach. Most likely. I'm still sort of on the fence. Sometimes I'm sold on this, and other times, I don't know. When I feel like I've done a good job teaching, and connected with my class, that is the best feeling in the world. I thrive on that kind of energy, but the fact that I've rarely had that happen to me is a little problematic. Most of the time I'm not a great teacher. It's way harder than it looks.

I've been taking this class about adolescent development, and it's so interesting to me to see how the teenage brain works. How they process information, make decisions, and what drives them. Maybe these adolescents and I are not so very different. Maybe I still have all the same insecurities and poor judgement but I'm just older. After all, they say college is just an extension of adolescence. Maybe I am still an adolescent.

I'm starting to ramble.

In my defense, I did write a lovely post with this title about the poster that tied in so well with my desire to teach high school. It was inspirational and well written. But then I forgot to save the draft on my phone so now it's gone and I don't really remember what the tie in was.

I'm going to bed.