Sunday, June 03, 2018

The Empty Space

The perscription came paired with a second one for hydrocodone, which was my first indication this was not going to be a picnic. Not that anyone would ever describe having a miscarriage to be a picnic, but the presence of that perscription for five pills seemed to foreshadow what was to come next. This is going to hurt really bad it seemed to say, but not for too long. The ultrasound on Wednesday morning was a pretty obvious clue something was wrong. I'd been watching ten week ultrasounds on YouTube for days getting excited for when I would finally get to see my baby wiggling its arms around but as she squished the wand harder into the soft fat on my belly all that showed up was a black void. I didn't need to be a doctor to tell that there was nothing there. Apparently it had stopped growing at six weeks she told us. My body just hadn't realized it so as the weeks went by the placenta kept getting bigger, just filling itself with more empty space.

Six weeks! I thought. That baby we kept calling The Blueberry had never even made it to the size of a blueberry. Six weeks was only one week after I found out I was pregnant! Six weeks is when I started puking my guts out. All this sickness had been for nothing! All this time I had wanted to gag at smells or just lie in bed because I was so tired was just my body fooling me. There was no baby growing in there.

I waited to take the pills until Saturday. Mati and Nolan's wedding was Thursday and my mom's birthday was on Friday. I didn't want to be bleeding out for either of those things. I kept meaning to go pick up my medicines, and some pads and whatever else I was going to need, but it wasn't until Saturday morning that I actually made it to the pharmacy.

I thought I would stay in bed until they opened at nine but I woke up early to the whooshing sound of flame and heated air that a hot air balloon makes as it tries to climb.  Aaron ran outside to see. It was flying low, just over our house and he called me to come have a look. I took my time putting on some yoga pants and chacos because I've seen plenty of hot air balloons in my day but he was so excited and it made me excited so we ran all around the neighborhood wondering where that thing was going to land. Its basket was scraping the tops of the trees while the pilot pumped more and more air into the massive ballon trying to get it to rise and right when we were sure it was going to set itself down in the street it gained a sudden burst of altitude and quietly floated away with a soft whoosh.

As we walked back to our house I thought how good it felt to be out in the sunlight. It was a beautiful June day. We made pancakes together then went to the store.

For all the warnings they gave me at the pharmacy about those pain killers, they didn't seem to do much. It was about two hours of the worst pain I've ever felt. Bleeding, shaking, throwing up, diarrhea, and cramps. The worst cramps. Cramps from Hell. Then, it faded away faster than it had come on and with Aaron holding my hand, I fell asleep in the hot bathtub, exhausted.


Corina said...

I'm so sorry! I wish I could give you a hug!

Britt Hanson said...

<3 <3 <3

So sorry, Lex. Love you always.